Hand over your man card

Balls belong between your legs, not in a purse.

Some guys don’t deserve to carry their own Man Card. We’ve become a society that is comfortable with letting women hang onto men’s balls. Apparently it’s for “safe keeping”, but I don’t buy that shit.

Often times these women carry the juevos around in their purses, so as to tease their man. They let him see the eggs, but not touch them. Some women are a bit more liberated and allow the men to carry their own balls, but not let them actually attach them. I don’t care if you call it a ‘European man bag,” It’s still a purse and you carry your balls in it. My personal opinion is those guys need an intervention. STAT.

I wonder what a Man Card intervention would consist of? I’m guessing that Jack Daniels would be involved. Maybe a night of watching Archer, Van Wilder and hockey fights, as the pussy and his friends consume pizza, wings and copious amounts of booze. Strippers may or may not be involved and hopefully the friends would teach him to once again talk like a bro and to stand up to the woman who currently possesses his jewels.

Gone are phrases such as, “Yes. I would love to go look at window treatments with you. Maybe afterwards we could split a quiche at the divine new bistro near the house.” That would be replaced with, “Yeah, I’m going to Hooters. So what?”

Any use of the phrase, “Wine bar” is unacceptable, unless used properly. “I’m dropping the ball and chain off at the wine bar and will meet you at the strip club around 9,” is the proper way to use that phrase.

Any guy who chooses a night at the opera over any regular season or post season sporting event should definitely have his Man Card revoked. I can only see a couple of possible exceptions to this. The first is if he has a thing for “comforting” old widows. I personally find that creepy and hard to stomach, but to each his own, ya know. The second exception is, uh…I can’t come up with a second exception. Sorry.

Lets talk about fashion for a moment. This is a grey area, but I think I can shed some light on it. There are some who would have you believe that wearing pink should automatically revoke your card. I disagree. I have three pink oxfords and I wear them often. I cut the sleeves off one and wear it with my black and pink plaid shorts. Kind of like a preppy gangstah.

You may think it sounds stupid, but I also rock the argyle. It’s how I roll and shit. My point is, that dressing nice is not an offense worth revoking a Man Card. However, excessive use of bow ties is a definite red flag.

Music is another realm with a lot of grey area. I listen to Michael Buble and I enjoy his stuff, but I generally listen to music that’s loud and occasionally crude (Papa Roach, Muse, Nine Inch Nails, Sixx A.M.,Disturbed, etc…). I’m not going to completely crack on a dude for listening to soft rock 24/7, but is it too much to ask that you at least know some of the words to Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry?

If there is one topic where I may disagree with a lot of people, it’s on the subject of books. Maybe I have a different perspective on this since I’m a writer, but I believe a guy can read books which hold significant literary value and still keep his man card firmly in his wallet. (Although the use of a fanny pack for any purpose is automatic grounds for revocation).

If you want to read Jane Eyre, that’s cool. Just make sure you follow it up with a large dose or Hemingway and/or Twain when you’re done–just to cleanse the palette. The book I’m penning is a tale of a man searching for love, but I include Mexican prostitutes, PBR on tap and car sex. Something like that takes care of the mushy, lovey-dovey stuff, while still getting a full daily serving of “Being A Man.”

Finally, we go to Movies. This is another grey area and one that isn’t as clear as you might think. On the surface, I think people would initially say that a dude who watches chick flicks should have his Man Card immediately revoked. I disagree. Why? I’m glad you asked.

A guy who watches a chick flick with a chick in hopes of getting a little post-movie action should be commended for his efforts, not punished. There is a huge difference between a guy who watches a chick flick with a woman and a guy who watches a chick flick because he is a woman.

I will admit that I own Love Actually and The Notebook, but I will also say that I have never watched either of these without having a pair of breasts sitting on the couch next to me. If a dude suggests watching Fried Green Tomatoes while hanging with the guys, he should just go outside and kick his own ass, thus saving everyone else the effort of doing so.

These aren’t the only ways that can get your Man Card revoked. Here are a few more things you may want to avoid, if you want to stay in the club.

Watching Glee–You may think this falls under the Chick Flick Clause, but since this is a weekly commitment, by all means, avoid it like the plague!

Drinking anything pink–Lemonade is exempt from this, but by all means, try to drink yellow lemonade! There is also a “Tropical drink while sitting on a beach” clause, but the drink in question must be at least 75% booze in order to qualify for the exception. And there must be a chunk of pineapple or some other tropical fruit on the rim. Umbrellas are up to your own personal taste and don’t figure into the equation.

Knowing lyrics to any Justin Bieber song–this one needs no further explanation and there is no clause for this one. No F’ing way!

Giving a shit about the Royal Family–Any knowledge other than that Charles looks like Dumbo’s second cousin and you deserve a huge ass kicking. Period.

Owning more than one cat–Personally I think your card should be revoked if you own even a single feline, but I’m willing to compromise on this one. If you’re married or living with a chick, there is a possible exemption, but any more than three cats and consider your card yanked.

Wearing skinny jeans-Listen to the hot bartender from the Miller Lite commercial. They aren’t in. If you wear skinny jeans, your North American Man Card will be revoked immediately. You can, however, can apply for a European Man Card. Their criterianis a lot less stringent and you have the option of wearing a Speedo.

There you have it. A not-close-to-comprehensive list of things that will get your Man Card yanked. What did I miss? Do you know anyone who needs to have their card pulled? Let me know and I will see what I can do to assist you. When all else fails, remember the golden rule of being a man: Balls belong between your legs, not in a purse.